Episode 7: In today’s episode, Louisville family law attorney George S. Lamb discusses the unfortunate signs of parental alienation. This can be an extremely harmful action by one parent to try to disrupt or ruin the relationship of the other parent with a child or children.
What Is Parental Alienation?
George begins by describing this as psychological manipulation. Unfortunately, it’s a common issue that happens during and after a divorce. Parental alienation is when a parent attempts to manipulate a child by attempting to block or interfere with the other parent’s relationship with that child or children. This is different from estrangement. Estrangement happens when someone (e.g. a parent) is absent or a “non-actor.”
Trust Your Gut if This Happens
George describes some factors that might signal if a parent is attempting to alienate the other parent. First, as a baseline, was there a prior, positive relationship between the alienated parent and the child? If you sense your child’s attitude, feelings or involvement with you is changing, consider why that might be happening.
If you’ve been an actively involved parent and suddenly this change is occurring, even though you haven’t done anything differently, you should pay close attention to what’s going on. You may need to take action to stop the alienation and to try to rejuvenate the relationship with your child. If you ignore the situation, it will not get better with time.
Try to determine how it’s being done. The alienating parent is trying to prevent you from being an engaged parent. Unfortunately, assuming you now live in a separate home, you won’t be around to see what’s going on with your child. Rather than attempting to co-parent with you, the other parent is attempting to undermine your status as a parent. Simple, but calculated steps may be happening, resulting in a manipulation of your child and his/her relationship with you.
Common Signs Parental Alienation may be Happening
While you may or may not see these firsthand, others may notice it happening when you’re not around. However, keep an eye out for these red flags:
- Criticizing the other parent in front of the child/children.
- Limiting and/or interfering with the other parent’s time with the child/children.
- Interfering with contact via phone calls during the other parent’s visitation time.
- Overly frequent calls by the other parent is a common example.
- Ongoing text messages during the other parent’s visitation time in another example.
- The offending parent destroys pictures of the child with the other parent.
- If the child expresses feelings about the other parent, the manipulating parent may withdraw from the child, in an attempt to make them feel bad.
- Overt dispersions or lies about the other parent, such as “He/She doesn’t love you.”
- Unnecessarily putting the child in the middle and making the child choose between parents.
- Asking the child to spy on the other parent.
- Asking the child to keep secrets from the targeted parent.
- Making the child refer to the other parent by his/her first name.
- Making the child refer to a significant other as “mom” or “dad” to supplant the other parent’s position.
- Keeping then targeted parent’s name or contact information off of relevant documents.
- This may be at the pediatrician’s office.
- This often happens at the school.
- The objective is to limit or prevent your access to information as a joint-custodian.
- Attempting to change the child’s name or having the child refer to himself/herself by another name.
- This undermines the child’s sense of identity.
- Taking steps to convince the child that the manipulating parent is the only one the child can rely on, because the other parent doesn’t care.
- Your child begins telling you things the other parent is saying about you.
- Your child bad-mouths you when they are with you.
- You begin to be rejected by your child and the reasoning from your child doesn’t seem age-appropriate.
- Your child begins saying something such as, “I don’t have to listen to you.”
- Complaints about finances because of something you did or didn’t do.
Steps to Take if You Think You’re Being Alienated by the other Parent
Generally, you’ll probably observe or sense changes in your child, before others comment about it to you.
If you detect signs of parental alienation, you need to take action to stop it and to prevent it from happening in the future. There are steps you can take in family court to protect your relationship with your child.
As George explained in Episode 4 on Child Custody and Parenting Time, the best interest of the child standard should be maintained. One parent shouldn’t disparage the other in front of the child or children. The intentional attempts to alienate the other parent should be avoided. It may be either explicitly or implicitly found in the court orders related to your divorce settlement. George clarifies, this discussion doesn’t typically refer to an absent parent.
You may need to seek a modification of the parenting schedules. George referred to this in Episode 5 about Child Support Calculations. This may give you the opportunity to establish or adapt communication expectations.
Again, it’s appropriate for you to engage the court’s help to stop or prevent parental alienation. It won’t improve over time. In fact, the situation will only get worse.
Consider getting therapy for your child, when you see signs of parental alienation. If your child is already in therapy, speak with the therapist about your concerns and ask for his/her advice. You may need to go to court to obtain an order requiring counseling for your child. You also may need the court to appoint a Guardian ad Litem (GAL), who will also advocate for a minor child or children.
Document to the best of your ability what you are hearing or seeing that leads you to believe the other parent may be attempting to manipulate your child. George advises it’s not really a good idea to record your child. Simply keep a journal containing your observations. Include comments or discussions by other adults who may signal that they suspect something inappropriate is occurring.
You may need to have your attorney petition to hold the other parent in contempt. The notations in your journal, written communications from your child or possibly a teacher or other professional will help you begin building a defense. This “evidence” can help you to substantiate your claim.
You may also have the options of having the court order a psychological evaluation and/or a custodial evaluation, although these can be expensive.
Taking the High Road
As difficult as it may be, George recommends you avoid retaliating against the manipulating parent. The answer isn’t to reciprocate with the very same activity you’re trying to prevent. Once you recognize that parental alienation may be attempted by the other parent, defend yourself – but stay above the fray.
Maintain positive interactions with your child. Make regular attempts to communicate with your child by phone, text, Facetime, etc. Be mindful that you do these in an age-appropriate manner and at a reasonable frequency.
In most cases, the manipulating parent is doing this on purpose. Therefore, directly confronting the other parent may put him/her on notice, but they probably won’t change their actions.
Speak with your attorney about the situation. George has handled family law cases for over 15 years and has seen this situation develop. He’ll share his perspective, based on what you’re sensing and the proof you’ve assembled. Then he can evaluate the most effective steps to take to stop it.
Is It Time to Contact George?
If you answered yes, the best way is to reach out to him on his cell phone at (502) 640-9797. You can call and/or text him. He’ll be happy to speak with you.
In the next episode, George will explore the issue of Preparing Your Divorce Mindset, so be sure to follow this podcast for new episodes.
We hope you enjoyed today’s episode. The information provided is not meant to be legal advice. Listening to this podcast does not establish an attorney-client relationship. However, if it is time for a lawyer, George is ready to listen. He’d appreciated it of you’d consider sharing this episode on your social media.
Going forward, we’ll launch a new episode every other week. You can connect with George on the firm’s Facebook page, on the website, as well as on Spotify, iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts and other platforms.
Lamb & Lamb, PSC is located at 4310 Robards Lane, in Louisville. The office phone number is (502) 451-6881.
